Tale for Tuesday

So, my best friend Emily and I have best gal pals for quite a while. So long, in fact, that we can look back at pictures and curse puberty for being so cruel. We have really grown up together. We survived high school and truly convinced each other that those bitches were just jealous. Together we learned what our maximum for tequila capacity was in college. (Mine is much higher athankyouverymuch. Sadly, Emily and tequila still have not made up since that fateful St. Patrick's Day. And if needed, I vow to kick it's ass anywhere, anytime). Good times.

Before Luke proposed, he actually asked Emily if there "was anything else he needed to know". She just laughed....and I still don't know what, exactly (or who) she was laughing at. I like to think she was laughing at Luke....but almost ten years later, the jury is still out on that one.

But one thing that I love most about my BFF is that she is totally not judgey. Most obviously is that I am over 30 and still use 'BFF', so that is one. Another, is that she is fully supportive but can also tell me when I am wrong on those very rare occasions. I guess that comes with knowing someone for so long. Let me tell you, once you hold someone's hair more than a couple times, or help them use the bathroom in their wedding dress, walls come down. And she never gives me a hard time for loving Teen Mom almost as much as Alex.

So, today after talking with her I remembered several months ago. I was totally frustrated by the confines of being a stay at home mom and feeling the instant need to escape. I tell Luke I am running to Target and leave Alex with him. Knowing Luke loves going to Target right after hitting the Craft-Dollar-Tiny Figurine Store, I know he won't mind staying behind. On my way to Target (read: the exact moment the garage door closed) I call Emily for back up. She doesn't know it, but of course she doesn't disappoint.

Jane: "So am I going straight to Hell that I just told Luke I am going to Target, but I think I am going to the Tasting Room to have a glass of wine and read?"

Emily: (cackles with laughter) No, but have two glasses; one for me too."

I. Love. Her.

As a mom, I totally appreciate that when I mention to her throwing a towel in our whirlpool tub along with a couple toys so I can take a shower isn't unsafe it's resourceful. It isn't my fault Alex now hates all his toys that are in the first floor. I mean, he hasn't exactly said he hates them, but the screaming and head-banging is kinda a sign that he is less than thrilled than being in the bathroom with me....even is Yo Gabba Gabba is on the bathroom TV.

Or, when I tell her about a nasty look I got from some girl when the fam and I were at a patio because we had a baby with us. Either I didn't get the memo that a place with picnic tables and a crock pot of free hot dogs is too fancy for a baby, or she didn't get the memo that Houston doesn't have an age requirement to enjoy a locally brewed beverage among friends. Emily didn't understand why she would even care and then sweetly reassured me that after college that beer will catch up to her.

Yeah, she is that good.

It's Tuesday, Em, and I am cheersing to you. You are the best a gal ever had.

And you should know, no wine was injured in this post.

Love,

JJB123

Come on 7

So, I am about done with this heat. And I mean d.o.n.e. Alex and I can't get out because it is hotter than the surface of the sun. Not to mention with wind that feels more like a hairdryer blowing on your face, it is miserable.

So, in the spirit of willing cooler temperatures, I reminisce with something that started out beautiful, and ended less than. This is the story of buying our first Family Christmas Tree. And hey, if you don't care that is totally cool. But, I would bet Alex's morning nap (AKA: My Sanity) that you are experiencing a heat wave too, and there are pictures of snow involved. That is basically as good as standing in front of your fridge.

So, go ahead and do the Wayne's World thing cause I know you are old enough to remember it and travel with me back to a simpler time.....

I had this great idea the other day.

Luke and I were going to take Alex and get our, first ever Family Christmas tree. It was gong to be perfect and wonderful and a crew from Hallmark was actually going to come a film us as we looked so cozy and Rockwell-esque.

Then, against all odds.....a freak episode happened upon us and granted us the only missing thing in the perfect Christmas Tree Outing.....

Snow.

It was as if the Heavens opened up and blessed our most wonderful first holiday with a baby with big, thick, cottony flakes.

For hours. It snowed and snowed and snowed.

Luke was on the way home while I was getting Alex ready in his most appropriate of Christmas Tree Hunting clothes and I noticed that he is not too big a fan of the coat with faux fur trimmed hood. Oh well, it must be because it was warm in the house. I did turn on the fireplace, after all.

So we go to lunch, (see? happy at lunch....)

After lunch, we head to the grocery store to stock up on supplies (read: wine) all the while talking about if we want to use the camera, or the video camera, or both. And what type of pictures do we want to make sure and get? And did we bring money to tip the loaders of the best tree ever picked out?

We pull up to the lot and get out. I grab Alex and put on his coat, and he is not too thrilled.

It is in this exact moment, that I realize I am the dumbest, piece of crap parent ---oh, wait, not for reasons you think. Not because, clearly he is already giving me a crap-tastic smile for our first pics. Not because I am subjecting my kid to snowy-rain and he might be all swiney as a result of this---but because I can't hold him in a way that his coat looks cute (see how rumpled?), making him agitated, making him cranky and not cute for the pictures. He doesn't like the snow.....he doesn't get that he will be warm if he would just relax. I mean, I don't get to go all freaky about girl baby clothes. I can't buy dresses...he owes me this.

But, being dedicated to the family dream, we trek on. But it is all downhill from there.

Walking though the lot under the "tarp" that usually keeps the sun out, but now is acting as an irrigation system for the snow that has been falling, and now draining on our heads.

Alex is less than thrilled.

I continue to carry him though the lot and he is starting to flail and become hysterical. So Luke and I pick out a tree that was "less of picking out a tree" and more of "pointing to one tree two minutes after we got to the lot and telling Luke to wrap it up".

Not at all the happy memory of a bouncing baby in the snow I had anticipated.

So I take Alex back to the car and he is pretty much cursing the day I was born. I get him to the car but can't do anything to calm him.....why? Because it is hard to rock a baby, and soothe their sweet little backs, when your hands are basically ice. Somehow, I see that making things worse.

So, our idyllic tree getting experience was Luke getting a tree and waiting in the rain/snow as 4 random guys climbed on our roof to tie our tree down. He is so drenched that after we got it in the house, he gave me a serious stink eye when I jokingly asked him if he had just taken a shower.

We decided to get a discrete tree this year, by the way. We thought it was in poor taste to get something totally obnoxious (like last year) when our neighbors, the Shapiro's, adorn their window with a very tasteful menorah.

What do you think? We went with the discrete 12 footer. Of course, Luke thought I was stifling his Christmas Spirit, by not going bigger (that's what she said. That was for you Sarah :))

Huh, posting about Christmas does make me feel a little less like I am living on the surface of the sun.

I Would Like to Thank the Academy...

Big, big news. Huge, actually.

So..... I am pretty sure I am Mom of the Year.

Surprised? Didn't think so. But, what I bet you are wondering about, is why.

Well, it's not because when random strangers walk up to us at Target and tell me he's cute, I joke that I am just waiting until he is house-broken so I can get more when I put him on Ebay.

Nor is it because I expect him to understand when I say things like: "Alex, does Mommy scream in your face when you are eating? No? Well there you go".

And it certainly isn't because I use words like "house-broken" in reference to him.

Here is why:

So, I am at Janie and Jack today buying some clothes for Alex. We are checking out and he kinda starts to have a fit. Naturally, being SuperMom I reach into the pacifier pocket in the jogging stroller while also grabbing my wallet from my purse at the same time. See? Multitasking-I am a genius. Well, imagine my surprise when I don't pull out the pacifier, but actually a wine cork. The sales lady gave me the awkward giggle that made it all the more uncomfortable.

I know what you are saying...."Jane, that isn't bad! It's not like you thought rubbing his nose in poop would help potty train him". You would be right...what makes me Mom of the Year, is what comes next. I instinctively do what any parent does...blame it on the kid. So, while the gal is giving me the stink eye, before I know it, I have the cork in my hand and say, "Alex, you know better than drink and drive." And because the universe thought it would be funny, as I say this a little hiccup escapes. Great.

I took my bag full of clothes that are cuter than a box of puppies and got the heck out of that pressure cooker.

If you need me, I'll be at The Tasting Room.

---jane