Thursday, August 19, 2010

1984 (part 33 1/3)

So, where was I? Oh, yes, someone is going to steal my son.

Yeah, I am afraid someone is going to steal Alex. I had mentioned The YMCA, where I go and workout. Cause here, it is hotter than hot. Like, always feeling like you are on fire hot. So I go to the Y and get my run on and drop Alex off in the little child care area while I sweat to the oldies.

And here is where my trust goes downhill and my neuroses get the better of me.

Here is what happens; when I go and dump him off in Kidz Care, I basically roam in the door and set him down in front of some toys, and sign a little sheet.

That's it.

I just sign something. I don't get a buzzer, a sticker, I don't dispense a vial of blood. Nothing. So, you are telling me I just sign something and........leave????

Yes, there are a couple nice little ladies in there playing and helping them become bilingual, which I totally appreciate. And I am sure that playing with the other kids is helping him learn to share or whatever.

However, it seems to me, that when I go "pick him up" I could go into the room and grab the first kid wearing a navy polo or the girl that is always wearing the fairy wings and the ladies would be none the wiser. I mean, all I have to do is sign the kid out. Let me tell you, there is a reason I can copy my dad's signature spot on, and I'm not about to let that little talent go to waste.

Did I mention that there is a 60 inch plasma mounted on the wall of the Women's Center with a direct feed from the Kidz Care? No? Funny. Well there is. And I totally freaked out when I couldn't find Alex on the screen when I went from treadmill to elliptical. I rushed downstairs thinking that someone ran out with my sweet baby and all the while a montage of Alex being stuffed in a van, shuffled to a remote campsite where there no puppies or air conditioning.

However, I take the 62 step journey only to find him hiding in the corner of the room....making his "dump" face. Not stolen at all.

But, it got me thinking.

I talked to Luke about this and, while he disagrees, I think the best way to face these fears head-on, is to have a locator chip implanted in Alex's arm, or foot, or the back fat-rolly part of his leg. I realize it is like a dog, but a dog can't tell you where they are if they are lost. A dog can't tell you how much they loved the fact you fed him Circus Peanuts on his birthday. Well, neither can a baby. And they do, by the Circus Peanuts.

But really. Do you have any idea what healthy black-market babies go for in the US? Me either, but I am thinking it is a ton! And, hel-lo, have you seen how cute? No?

Not cute enough?
How about...

You can see why I am worried. Clearly cute. Obviously hilarious.

Look, I logically know that anyone who would actually steal a baby wouldn't go through all the planning and such to swipe a baby that is sleeping soundly from their crib. That seems like a smash-and-grab type of thing. I will even give the YMCA the benefit of the doubt that they may have done some sort of number looking to see that baby-snatching from their buildings was low enough not to implement a more high-tech system. But still.

Even with all that, even though psychos who steal babies don't do so from the YMCA, can you really tell me that there aren't some amoral venture capitalists out there? Really?

All I'm sayin'.

Yeah the chip-in-the-arm seems a smite bit over the line, but I'm pretty sure if I could give Alex a double dose of Benadryl, get out my exacto-knife and fill my Solo cup full of Franzia, with chip in hand, I would

At the very least, next time I go to the Y, I am going to strap one of those singular flashing red lights to Alex's head so I can see him from the plasma. That would be the plasma TV that is as long as one of my good pals is tall.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

1984 (part a)

So, I have been suffering from a totally irrational fear lately.

First, I would like to totally confess that this is probably one my most ridiculous thoughts, next that one summer vacation when I was really bored and thought I could teach my dog to read.

Second, I realize that this most likely will not happen, but considering I come from superstitious stock , I will type the next few sentences with my feet as I knock on wood with both hands.

So, my irrational fear is this:

I am super duper afraid that someone is going to steal Alex. Not kidnap, not abduct, but steal. Yes, I realize that these area all kinda the same things, but they aren't. Let me explain.

My first fearful-baby-stolen-thought is: I am terrified that Alex is going to be taken from his crib in the middle of the night while we are sleeping. So much so, that I won't allow Luke to sleep with the french doors that keep the sun from rising riiiight across his eyes every morning crisply at 6am.

Why, you ask?

Here's why. Ok, so let's say someone runs up the half-flight of stairs to our front door, breaks in the door, then runs up two more flights of stairs to grab him from his crib? Whasgunnahappen?

Let me present you with my line of defenses:

1) Yes, I do have a video monitor that I keep on very loudly every night, but no way I am going to hear any baby crying if he is away from the monitor....clearly because his Stealer will have shuffled him down to stairs by now. Our door would be closed so I couldn't hear anything. What am I going to say to Alex? "Um, sorry you lived in a shed your whole life and had to eat cold beans from a can...your dad didn't want to get up early."???

2) Sure, I do have two large dogs, but only one is the constant jerk that barks all the time, but maybe that will be the one time he'll be sleeping too. That would be totally his style to only be a jerk not not helping us at all. Hence, being a jerk. And if I have faith in him? Then what? Am I really going to rest my safety on something that eats his own poop? Ah, no.

3) Jane, don't you have an alarm system? Yeah, but wires can be cut, people, wires can be cut. Haven't you seen Scream? Patriot Games? Cape Fear? No? Get HBO.

4) The scariest piece of this puzzle, is that if this person actually gets into my house, they have gotten through the gates, of which, the codes are changed every other day. Yeah, I have those neighbors.

Which leads me to:

5) If some crazy has gotten into the house, we are totally out matched and no alarm system is going to be of use. If some nut-job actually infiltrated the house then we have been out-played Survivor Style. Like, Jeff Probst will be interviewed by Geraldo the next morning while I am in the back ground kicking Charlie......

I can see it now.....

First, they must have gotten by my neighbor, Bob, see, Bob is kinda nosy. He is more infatuated with looking through our fence at our newly installed fake grass, than the landscapers who are confused why our yard never grows.

And, Mike too, our other neighbor...the one who reminds me everyday that Luke's side of the garage door is open during the day.....and is nice enough to call one night to let us know our air conditioner was squealing. At 12:30.

Then, Marlene's son who owns a brewery. Eh, I give both of them a pass.

You can see why I worry. I mean I do live in Texas so we have more guns in my house than mouths to feed, but something tells me that trying to load anything without contacts in will end up badly.

But Jane, don't you leave the house? Yes, I do. I go to the local YMCA to work out. Don't get me started. That is a whole other post. Really.

In fact, tune in tomorrow.

Unless I am out hanging up posters.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Come on 7

So, I am about done with this heat. And I mean d.o.n.e. Alex and I can't get out because it is hotter than the surface of the sun. Not to mention with wind that feels more like a hairdryer blowing on your face, it is miserable.

So, in the spirit of willing cooler temperatures, I reminisce with something that started out beautiful, and ended less than. This is the story of buying our first Family Christmas Tree. And hey, if you don't care that is totally cool. But, I would bet Alex's morning nap (AKA: My Sanity) that you are experiencing a heat wave too, and there are pictures of snow involved. That is basically as good as standing in front of your fridge.

So, go ahead and do the Wayne's World thing cause I know you are old enough to remember it and travel with me back to a simpler time.....

I had this great idea the other day.

Luke and I were going to take Alex and get our, first ever Family Christmas tree. It was gong to be perfect and wonderful and a crew from Hallmark was actually going to come a film us as we looked so cozy and Rockwell-esque.

Then, against all odds.....a freak episode happened upon us and granted us the only missing thing in the perfect Christmas Tree Outing.....


It was as if the Heavens opened up and blessed our most wonderful first holiday with a baby with big, thick, cottony flakes.

For hours. It snowed and snowed and snowed.

Luke was on the way home while I was getting Alex ready in his most appropriate of Christmas Tree Hunting clothes and I noticed that he is not too big a fan of the coat with faux fur trimmed hood. Oh well, it must be because it was warm in the house. I did turn on the fireplace, after all.

So we go to lunch, (see? happy at lunch....)

After lunch, we head to the grocery store to stock up on supplies (read: wine) all the while talking about if we want to use the camera, or the video camera, or both. And what type of pictures do we want to make sure and get? And did we bring money to tip the loaders of the best tree ever picked out?

We pull up to the lot and get out. I grab Alex and put on his coat, and he is not too thrilled.

It is in this exact moment, that I realize I am the dumbest, piece of crap parent ---oh, wait, not for reasons you think. Not because, clearly he is already giving me a crap-tastic smile for our first pics. Not because I am subjecting my kid to snowy-rain and he might be all swiney as a result of this---but because I can't hold him in a way that his coat looks cute (see how rumpled?), making him agitated, making him cranky and not cute for the pictures. He doesn't like the snow.....he doesn't get that he will be warm if he would just relax. I mean, I don't get to go all freaky about girl baby clothes. I can't buy dresses...he owes me this.

But, being dedicated to the family dream, we trek on. But it is all downhill from there.

Walking though the lot under the "tarp" that usually keeps the sun out, but now is acting as an irrigation system for the snow that has been falling, and now draining on our heads.

Alex is less than thrilled.

I continue to carry him though the lot and he is starting to flail and become hysterical. So Luke and I pick out a tree that was "less of picking out a tree" and more of "pointing to one tree two minutes after we got to the lot and telling Luke to wrap it up".

Not at all the happy memory of a bouncing baby in the snow I had anticipated.

So I take Alex back to the car and he is pretty much cursing the day I was born. I get him to the car but can't do anything to calm him.....why? Because it is hard to rock a baby, and soothe their sweet little backs, when your hands are basically ice. Somehow, I see that making things worse.

So, our idyllic tree getting experience was Luke getting a tree and waiting in the rain/snow as 4 random guys climbed on our roof to tie our tree down. He is so drenched that after we got it in the house, he gave me a serious stink eye when I jokingly asked him if he had just taken a shower.

We decided to get a discrete tree this year, by the way. We thought it was in poor taste to get something totally obnoxious (like last year) when our neighbors, the Shapiro's, adorn their window with a very tasteful menorah.

What do you think? We went with the discrete 12 footer. Of course, Luke thought I was stifling his Christmas Spirit, by not going bigger (that's what she said. That was for you Sarah :))

Huh, posting about Christmas does make me feel a little less like I am living on the surface of the sun.