Thursday, August 19, 2010

1984 (part 33 1/3)

So, where was I? Oh, yes, someone is going to steal my son.

Yeah, I am afraid someone is going to steal Alex. I had mentioned The YMCA, where I go and workout. Cause here, it is hotter than hot. Like, always feeling like you are on fire hot. So I go to the Y and get my run on and drop Alex off in the little child care area while I sweat to the oldies.

And here is where my trust goes downhill and my neuroses get the better of me.

Here is what happens; when I go and dump him off in Kidz Care, I basically roam in the door and set him down in front of some toys, and sign a little sheet.

That's it.

I just sign something. I don't get a buzzer, a sticker, I don't dispense a vial of blood. Nothing. So, you are telling me I just sign something and........leave????

Yes, there are a couple nice little ladies in there playing and helping them become bilingual, which I totally appreciate. And I am sure that playing with the other kids is helping him learn to share or whatever.

However, it seems to me, that when I go "pick him up" I could go into the room and grab the first kid wearing a navy polo or the girl that is always wearing the fairy wings and the ladies would be none the wiser. I mean, all I have to do is sign the kid out. Let me tell you, there is a reason I can copy my dad's signature spot on, and I'm not about to let that little talent go to waste.

Did I mention that there is a 60 inch plasma mounted on the wall of the Women's Center with a direct feed from the Kidz Care? No? Funny. Well there is. And I totally freaked out when I couldn't find Alex on the screen when I went from treadmill to elliptical. I rushed downstairs thinking that someone ran out with my sweet baby and all the while a montage of Alex being stuffed in a van, shuffled to a remote campsite where there no puppies or air conditioning.

However, I take the 62 step journey only to find him hiding in the corner of the room....making his "dump" face. Not stolen at all.

But, it got me thinking.

I talked to Luke about this and, while he disagrees, I think the best way to face these fears head-on, is to have a locator chip implanted in Alex's arm, or foot, or the back fat-rolly part of his leg. I realize it is like a dog, but a dog can't tell you where they are if they are lost. A dog can't tell you how much they loved the fact you fed him Circus Peanuts on his birthday. Well, neither can a baby. And they do, by the Circus Peanuts.

But really. Do you have any idea what healthy black-market babies go for in the US? Me either, but I am thinking it is a ton! And, hel-lo, have you seen how cute? No?

Not cute enough?
How about...

You can see why I am worried. Clearly cute. Obviously hilarious.

Look, I logically know that anyone who would actually steal a baby wouldn't go through all the planning and such to swipe a baby that is sleeping soundly from their crib. That seems like a smash-and-grab type of thing. I will even give the YMCA the benefit of the doubt that they may have done some sort of number looking to see that baby-snatching from their buildings was low enough not to implement a more high-tech system. But still.

Even with all that, even though psychos who steal babies don't do so from the YMCA, can you really tell me that there aren't some amoral venture capitalists out there? Really?

All I'm sayin'.

Yeah the chip-in-the-arm seems a smite bit over the line, but I'm pretty sure if I could give Alex a double dose of Benadryl, get out my exacto-knife and fill my Solo cup full of Franzia, with chip in hand, I would

At the very least, next time I go to the Y, I am going to strap one of those singular flashing red lights to Alex's head so I can see him from the plasma. That would be the plasma TV that is as long as one of my good pals is tall.


  1. Who wouldn't want to steal that angel? And who are you calling short?! :)

  2. I can see why you are worried - he is too cute!!

  3. You can make even a serious issue like someone stealing your beautiful, precious baby sound really funny!! You are a great writer!!
    Katie's Aunt Angie

  4. Watch out...I know where you work out. ;)

  5. Jane! I thought the same thing when I take Finley to the gym daycare, I mean my child would gladly run off with anyone who gives her treats... I love that you have the gym video screen. Alex is so stinking cute though, I can see why you would worry... he would be the first pick of someone wanting one of the world's cutest babies. Fin MUST meet him.

  6. Janie, I have never seen a pic of Alex before, what a doll! I love your blog which I just discovered. I love your comments on Katie's blog and laugh out loud with your wit. You really need to write a book, seriously. Susie (Katie's mom)

  7. the chip thing sounds great now but they get older and then, well, you have days when you kinda hope they get lost. but at that point they are old enough to drive and dial a cell phone so they come back home. just wait -- i'm right.

  8. Were we separated at birth? Seriously. Thank you for writing this post and sharing it on my behalf. I'm not even kidding...I had to read these 2 posts to my husband and he says I've officially met my match. But who wouldn't want to steal our cute kids?! You complete me.

  9. Oh, and he's a DOLL! I'm going to be in Houston in October and I know it's a big place, but I'd LOVE to meet up if it's at all possible for you. (That is where you live, right? If not, would you be willing to travel there to meet me? Kidding.)

  10. We're going to be there around October 12 - 14. My husband is attending a conference at MD Anderson so I imagine we'll be staying somewhere near there. Email me and we can plan something if that works for you! sjg_ou at

  11. Ok so I'm not crazy thinking that i need a GPS chip imbedded in each of my children. Seriously...I'm almost to the point of giving my not-quite-eight-year-old a cell phone just so I can GPS track him. Of course, I know where he is at all times, but I don't know EXACTLY which classroom he's in at school at 10:21am. My dog has a chip in her so why not my kids! I'm with you Janie!~

  12. I'm with you on this one too. Grace is only one month old and the furthest away from her I've been is in the next room while my husband holds her, and I'm already worried about someone taking her too! I've even thought that I could just place her in her car seat next to the eliptical at the gym (once I get the okay from my OB next week). Would that be bad?