1984 (part 33 1/3)

So, where was I? Oh, yes, someone is going to steal my son.

Yeah, I am afraid someone is going to steal Alex. I had mentioned The YMCA, where I go and workout. Cause here, it is hotter than hot. Like, always feeling like you are on fire hot. So I go to the Y and get my run on and drop Alex off in the little child care area while I sweat to the oldies.

And here is where my trust goes downhill and my neuroses get the better of me.

Here is what happens; when I go and dump him off in Kidz Care, I basically roam in the door and set him down in front of some toys, and sign a little sheet.

That's it.

I just sign something. I don't get a buzzer, a sticker, I don't dispense a vial of blood. Nothing. So, you are telling me I just sign something and........leave????

Yes, there are a couple nice little ladies in there playing and helping them become bilingual, which I totally appreciate. And I am sure that playing with the other kids is helping him learn to share or whatever.

However, it seems to me, that when I go "pick him up" I could go into the room and grab the first kid wearing a navy polo or the girl that is always wearing the fairy wings and the ladies would be none the wiser. I mean, all I have to do is sign the kid out. Let me tell you, there is a reason I can copy my dad's signature spot on, and I'm not about to let that little talent go to waste.

Did I mention that there is a 60 inch plasma mounted on the wall of the Women's Center with a direct feed from the Kidz Care? No? Funny. Well there is. And I totally freaked out when I couldn't find Alex on the screen when I went from treadmill to elliptical. I rushed downstairs thinking that someone ran out with my sweet baby and all the while a montage of Alex being stuffed in a van, shuffled to a remote campsite where there no puppies or air conditioning.

However, I take the 62 step journey only to find him hiding in the corner of the room....making his "dump" face. Not stolen at all.

But, it got me thinking.

I talked to Luke about this and, while he disagrees, I think the best way to face these fears head-on, is to have a locator chip implanted in Alex's arm, or foot, or the back fat-rolly part of his leg. I realize it is like a dog, but a dog can't tell you where they are if they are lost. A dog can't tell you how much they loved the fact you fed him Circus Peanuts on his birthday. Well, neither can a baby. And they do, by the way....love Circus Peanuts.

But really. Do you have any idea what healthy black-market babies go for in the US? Me either, but I am thinking it is a ton! And, hel-lo, have you seen how cute? No?

Not cute enough?

How about...

You can see why I am worried. Clearly cute. Obviously hilarious.

Look, I logically know that anyone who would actually steal a baby wouldn't go through all the planning and such to swipe a baby that is sleeping soundly from their crib. That seems like a smash-and-grab type of thing. I will even give the YMCA the benefit of the doubt that they may have done some sort of number looking to see that baby-snatching from their buildings was low enough not to implement a more high-tech system. But still.

Even with all that, even though psychos who steal babies don't do so from the YMCA, can you really tell me that there aren't some amoral venture capitalists out there? Really?

All I'm sayin'.

Yeah the chip-in-the-arm seems a smite bit over the line, but I'm pretty sure if I could give Alex a double dose of Benadryl, get out my exacto-knife and fill my Solo cup full of Franzia, with chip in hand, I would go.to.town.

At the very least, next time I go to the Y, I am going to strap one of those singular flashing red lights to Alex's head so I can see him from the plasma. That would be the plasma TV that is as long as one of my good pals is tall.