Gift Ideas

So I have been thinking a while now about something that I know is very important to all of you. I understand that some of you haven't been sleeping too well because of this....I am sorry.

I hear that a few of you have almost gotten into traffic accidents, being so distracted in thought about this very situation. My bad.

It has even been rumored that a slight percentage of you have completely broken down, haven't showered in days and refuse to leave your houses as a result. Well, go throw in a load of laundry and hose yourself off.....because today I have the answer.

What I want for Mother's Day.

I know, pivotal, right?

Well, it hit me today while I was getting my hairs did at the mall.

Go with me on this one.

I am getting my hair all washed and scrubbed by some kid with a lip ring and a red spiky mohawk. Now, even though his arms looked like fleshy spaghetti noodles covered in multicolored tat's, he washed my hair kinda like a genius. He's all blabbing to me about this and that and I can hear his ear cuffs dangling all the way to the change purse that is stuffed in his pocket. Now, I know you are going to say "Jane, it was a wallet." No, if it carries monies and has a strap it is a purse. Simple enough.

Anyway, he is babbling about whatever-I couldn't say because he is all washing my hair and it was wonderful. We all know that it is amazing to get your hair washed right before someone cuts it and this was no different. It was so relaxing I think I accidentally moaned. Ok, maybe I didn't moan, but I am pretty sure I caught myself biting my lip. Twice.

So here is where my grand Mother's Day scheme begins.

Imagine......a pub crawl.....but instead of going from bar to bar to bar; you go from cheesy mall salon to cheesy mall salon only getting your hair washed.

Strike, that. If you are a rookie, first you get a Route 44 cup and a bendy straw then hit the salon circuit.

Now, for all the veteran's out there, you can grab your El Camino of purses, fill 'er up and hit the road. (I learned about this little gem from my brilliant sister-in-law. Shouts, Lisa!)

And as a total sidebar, I have decided that people who wink at you all the time in conversation are creepy. Unless you are Vince Vaughn, I promise you can't get away with it.

Especially YOU, quasi-gay guy at Janie and Jack. I understand you may think that I am an easy target. I have bought enough clothes from you to keep you in skinny jeans for a couple years and it is obvious, since I am buying baby clothes, that I put out....but, ew.

And, Tam, if you are reading this.........

Hope you are WORK-IN for the WEEK-END!!!

USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!