Fine. It's About The Oprah.

Yeah, it is about The Oprah....but not like you think.

And I have to say, this is going to be long cause much like Festivus, I have a grievance to air.

So everyone knows today was the last show of The Oprah. And while everyone has been feeding her ego for the last year (or 40) about how she is so great and helped all those abused kids and gives many monies to needy people who live in Lack of Money Land, I have another tale to tell. And it is one of horror and smashed dreams and nobody got a car.

So let's retrace our steps back to that very day.

Three of my college pals and I got tickets to the show. Super fun. We talked and planned and booked our tickets. Yay!

Then the show got cancelled. So we had to change all our tickets, flight/hotel whatever. (FYI, The Oprah doesn't pay for all those change fees, our broke-ass right--out-of-college-butts did).

So anyway, we are scheduled to appear on the Monday before Thanksgiving. We have so much fun planning the trip and are super excited to go.

So we get there. And here is what some people don't know: The Oprah, when she started in Chicago, was aired at 9am. So, she told us that day, that she continued to honor that time slot that even to this day, and even though she is on at 4pm anywhere from Tuttle to Thailand, she is on at 9 am in Chi-Town.

Why does this matter, you ask? Well, because when you go to see The Oprah, you have to get there at 5am. Yeah, not kidding. And since she tapes two shows a day, and you don't know which taping you get in to, you get there at 5am to stand in line. Because like Penny Beer Night, first come, first serve.

But we get in....and what is this???? We get escorted by some lady to the front row???? Yeah we did. This must be good, right?? There were even little "reserved" signs on our seats!

Then they bring out the people who "warm up the audience". And that means "threaten the audience that if you aren't animated enough there are people waiting in the lobby who didn't get in and will lick dog poop if I ask them because then they will be on The Oprah and you won't be". Not kidding. I can have people email you to back this up.

So we are getting warmed up and even do a fake "The Oprah Walks In". Now I should mention that I was on the end of the front row and in the warm up, I shake fake Oprah's hand. It was way intrusive, even with Fake Oprah.

So the show starts....The Oprah walks down the little hallway and smiling and fake waving all the while coming closer and closer to me. What do I do? Approach The Oprah and invade her space? Give up the chance to shake The Oprah's hand? Just stand there hoping The Oprah wants to shake my hand?

Yeah, I did. I invaded The Oprah's space. I shook her hand. I shook her dry, cracked, haggard little hand.

And it was at that moment, we were wronged.

It was the worst.show.of.all.time.

ALL.TIME.

Cause see here is the deal, we got there so early and made it in to the first taping.

Great, right?

Nope.

How could it be bad?? It was. Wanna know why?

Well, remember that show "After the Show"? where The Oprah hung out with her guests for, like a half hour after the show (get it?....get it? "After the Show"). Yeah, we watched clips that weren't even good enough to show on the second rate "After the Show". The entire show was based on out-takes from "After the Show".

So while we were watching clips of past shows of Kirstie Alley and rabbits in her kitchen and hearing about the miso bean paste that Gwyneth Paltrow likes and other bits that didn't make the crappy re-run show, the other group for the second taping, were loaded on to buses and shipped off with a box lunch to watch an exclusive screening of The Aviator then got to chat with the entire cast.

Our show was so bad, Oprah didn't even change her clothes before the second taping. Yeah, that bad.

We were wronged!

Wronged, I tell you!

I can tell you, in the end, The Oprah was either going to get a hand shake from me, or an angry fist in the air. One or the other.

WRONGED!!!

And if you even made it through this whole rant, be sure to comment and I will send you any book from The Oprah's book club, cause you deserve a reward. And, much like I wish there was a "sarcastic" font, I also wish there was an "angry/look at me getting flustered/The Oprah wronged me" font. Cause I would have used it.

Although, I will say, I can understand why the show sucked so bad. I mean, the taping right before ours had been Favorite Things, so everyone was probably tired.

Jerks.

An Open Letter

Dear Lady Who Stopped Me In the Parking Garage At the Galleria,

Hi. It's me.

So, first I should say "thanks". You were flattering, really. I mean, when I am walking by someone in the parking garage and they attempt to ask me for something, my first instinct is to garble out some nonsense words that end in 'o' (you know, so don't sound like I am cold hearted, but just way fluent in spanish) and keep walking to my car clutching my Auntie Anne's pretzel a little tighter.

But you.....you....you seemed different. Yes, it is a big city, but who starts to beg in the garage under Neimen's at 11 am? And you seemed younger and I could actually see your feet and you weren't carrying any sort of baggage with you. All strong points. But when you stopped, and covered your phone, halting your conversation, I just figured you were lost. So as long as you didn't need to know how to make a shank out of food court cutlery, then I could do my part.

But here is where you went tragically wrong. Look, I know you are a career person, so I will get to the chase because I am sure you are busy "marketing".

1. Don't ever stop someone in the parking garage and ask "what they do for a living?". It's 11am. I am at the mall. On a Tuesday. I don't do anything.

2. Really not a good idea to follow up the "what do you do?" question by the reinforcing statement that "I look so professional". First, I admit I had just gotten my hairs did by spaghetti arms and was looking spiffy, but the flip-flops should have given it away. And elastic is still elastic, even if it comes from Saks.*

3. I believe I heard you clearly that you work in "marketing" for Mary Kay? And you want to give me your card? So we can have lunch sometime? Just to talk? Cause I look so professional? (If you don't even get this you have way bigger problems that that horrid eyeshadow. Yeah, I did.).

4. This isn't really something you did wrong per se, just something I think you should be aware of since it threw you for a loop at the time. Other people can lie to save ourselves hours and hours of mind-numbing seminars, just as easily as you can lie that you do 'marketing' for Mary Kay. And in case there are any doubts, I don't really sell Arbonne.

Yeah, so thanks for the "I looked cute and stuff". I'm sure the makers of Cheap Flip-Flops will be thrilled at their new professional gain in the foot ware community.

*In all honesty, I didn't look all "fresh-haired". Man, when old Spaghetti Arms finished giving me the fourth conditioning treatment I requested to help reverse the environmental damage, I got up from the chair and walked in to a wall. OK, 'walked' is generous. "Stumbled in to the wall having to grab on to some strange old lady to keep from falling over" is more like it. Judge away. I regret nothing.