"Shout Out". Do people even say that anymore? Oh well. I am clearly not the snazziest dancer at the disco. And also cause I just said 'disco'.
Anyway. We have been pals for a while, and considering most of you know her (and follow me because of her) you know what a doll she is. Well, Katie knows me pretty well. So when she decided to post about me on the interwebs pressuring me to post, she knew I would fold like a cheap card table. So here we go.
The last couple weeks have been kinda big in my house. Alex, the "baby" turned two on June 8th.
TWO!
And Luke and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary on the 9th.
10 YEARS! (My lord, how old am I?? Don't answer. [32]).
And while I gazed down at my sweet, peanut-buttered angel, thinking "How could my baby be two?!", I realized I was the classic cliche of every parent. So, it got me thinking to some things that people don't tell you about being a parent. Such as:
**It really doesn't matter what you are doing with the baby, you will end up sticky.
Dressing the baby? Sticky.
Feeding the baby? Sticky.
Just finished a mammoth bath? That's right! Sticky!
**You will constantly look like a commercial in the making for dandruff shampoo.
This is mainly because when you hold the baby, he will wipe his nose on you. No biggie. After that messiness of the actual birth, who cares?? Except, when the baby is a year and a half old and still insists on using your shoulder as a handkerchief, leaving the checker at register 7 "reminding" you of the Randall's Sunday ad that, would you believe it??, has Selsun Blue half off! And when the baby has just eaten goldfish? Even better. And by 'better' I mean 'worse'.
**Your Pre-Baby List of "I'll Never ____" 's will disappear quicker than your former modesty.
Wait, "Former Modesty" you ask? Why are you no longer modest? Because once 15 different people have collectively seen your junk in a six hour time frame, and you aren't getting paid for it, walls have gone down. And if that's not enough, when another 20 people are tending to your lady-bits with mechanic-like precision, walls don't just come down; they are bulldozed. Like for a while. A very long while.
So, let me give you some examples of my Pre-Baby "I'' Never____" 's:
** "I'll never over exaggerate my husband's height by 6 inches when people repeatedly comment on how 'big' my son is when he is really just tall and people are jerks." (Yeah, I do that.)
** "I'll never examine another kiddo's diaper because the mom is worried he is sick." (Yup. On a play date today I totally did this with out hesitation or judgement. Cause we are moms, and we need to stick together and need support one another. And in her defense, she was right. His poop was oily.)
** "I'll never be as obsessed with poop like those other crazy mothers." (Yeah, you will be because babies and their poop is about as important as food and air.)
** "I'll never let my child watch TV before they are two because it makes them stupid or antisocial or whatever." (You are going to go insane. In fact, let me know when your kid is born so I can set up some Vegas style bets on when you finally crack. This could pay for college.)
** "I'll never feed my child crap like that mother. I mean, have you read the childhood obesity statistics?" (It would not shock me if, at any given time, Alex crapped an actual, whole, goldfish. He's two. That's all he eats. Cause he's two.)
I could go on and on with this list....maybe I will make it a weekly thing. But this is for you Katie (and Aja, and Aunt Angie).
Now go enjoy some goldfish!
jane
